sigh...my best buddy kasia and her hubby left for LA this past sunday. we shared one last breakfast before they headed off into the west...sigh.

for the second time in my life she left me...but this time it's a good thing. it's hard to believe that the one girl i thought i would never ever speak to again has become one of my bestest friend and closest confidant. ya see we used to date and our break-up was not on the best of terms. so bad in fact that we did not talk to each other for 5 years. but it took a chance meeting at a Borders and a little myspace mishap to bring each other back into our lives again. the sad thing is that we only got to share a year and a half together before she got the opportunity to relocate back to her home state of kalifornia. but boy-howdy did we make up for lost time in that year and a half. i will miss her dearly. she may be loud, oppinionated and some-what self absorbed at times, but she has this uncanny knack of getting you motivated and the ability to bring out your better qualities that you never thought you had. she had a way of making other people shine. shit man, she finally got me to leave my dead end job, and openned my eyes to bigger opportunities. granted i'm stuck (for the momnet) in another crap job, but that's another story. i love you kasia. but it ain't good-bye. that's for damn sure. our story ain't over yet...

stupid little things i will miss: commanding me to drive her EVERYWHERE (she may not realize it but i enjoyed that time alone with her, even when she got on my nerves); our little "this is why we broke up" game; the constant nagging that i am a better artist/designer than i realize (a little ego boost never hurt anyone); her annoying ability to genrealize and compartmentalize and group things into their lowest common denominator; making things seem worse than they really are but then 10 minutes later realizing that everything is A-OK; oh... and realtionship talk. i always found it funny that when she got into little spats with her hubby she would ask MY opinion about it. it just made me laugh, being the ex and all and i get to hear about all her idiosyncrasies but this time around i'm not on the receiving end of it. it's the little things in life....anyways i will miss her being around, even though she's only a phone call away.

one little side note, i find it funny and weird that my 2 best friends in the world who i confide everything with have turned out to be 2 exes, namely kasia and jeanna. i mean i tell them everything. my broham may be a close second. but when the shit goes down they are the first to hear it. even those embarrassing, earth-shattering, hide-in-the-darkest-reaches-of-my-heart moments. i pour it all out for them. i don't know. i open up better with chicks. i really can't and rarely do with my guy friends (again except fro my broham, but he's family). but jeanna's been my friend for so long that i just rely on her (not that i take her for granted at all) but kasia...she is just so damn pushy and bossy, she'll just force her way into your life. but like i said, the termination of our realtionship was by no means pleasant, and now i can't think of anyone else other than jeanna that i would turn to when i got problems. man alive! life is wonky like that. and i'll be damned if journeys don't lead you to the strangest places....

jeezie-creezie! march has been super busy! i feel utterly drained. i don't think i've been well rested since all before the damn trip back from NY. so let's back-track shall we...

the NY trip was an adventure to say the least. we only really had one free day to get any fun in really, so we crammed as much in during the day as we could. but there were apartment problems. and my broham's shit-head room mate bailed on them and split without cleaning his stuff out and ditching on his part of the rent. what an ass! we were planning on leaving relatively early on wednesday, but with all the crap that had to be staightened out we didn't leave NY until 1:00 in the morning. so we finally head out of the city *weep* and headed for Philly! and of course we (or rather, i) got lost and we ended up on the wrong highway heading the wrong direction so we had to turn around and drive back. so we wasted about a hour or so doing that. i decided to just keep on driving and we got about an hour outside of Philly before we called it a night. that was about 5:00 in the moring.

well, we got up around 11:00 or so. and got back ont he road. and we finally hit PHILLY! Philly is a pretty cool looking town. problem was we had a moving truck and we really couldn't find anyplace to park it. we were gonna park it by a meter, but then we realized...2 asian dudes driving a large truck and then parking it unattended on the street. let me tell you, in this day and age of homeland security, the last thing we needed were the cops profiling us and and having our little roadtrip turn into some crazy terrorist event. god knows they would have thought the kitty-litter in the back of the truck was meant for making dirty-bombs. so we just spent a couple of hours driving around the city. Independance Hall was really cool, but too bad i didn't get a chance to see the Liberty Bell. my broham was a bit luckier than me. his main goal in Philly was to find the steps where Rocky ran up in the first movie. and after a bit of driving around we found them. i told him to just jump out of the truck and snap some pictures and i would circle around and pick him up. well not only did he see the steps he also got his photo taken by the Rocky statue. can i just say that Philly's museum campus is gorgeous. too bad we couldn't stay longer. i would have loved to have seen how extesive their dinosaur collection was.

well after all the fun we had in philly we decided to go to Gettysberg and go on some ghost tours and see the battle field. unfortunately the is no major highway tat leads to Gettysberg from Philly. so we had to drive thorough all these lttle towns. some of them were typical suburban towns that you would find around chicago, but most of them were these really creepy backwater, through back to the civil war type of towns. spooky! and the all hand candles in every window. and alot of them had these weirdo star-like designs painted on them. ya know the kind that wards off witches and warlocks. SPOOKY, i tell ya. spooky! well since we had to go through all these hole in the wall towns, we didn't get into Gettysberg til around 8:00 tyhat night. and of course everything was closed. and on top of that we found out that all the ghost attractions were closed for the winter. so much for gettysberg. well they kept on saying that there was a major storm heading our way so we grabbed a quick bite and put Gettysberg behind us.

of course, no maor highway getting out of Gettysberg. all back roads. this was a big MISTAKE! cause i didn't really think about it, but we had to drive through the Appilacians...using only back raods...at night...and of cousre the storm hit us right as we got to the mountains. and let me tell you i've driven trough the Appilacians before, lots of times, on the major highways and they still get somewhat treacherous. well, these wagon trail roads literally intertwinded in and out of the mountains fer miles! and in the dark! with sleet! and in some places, no guard-rail. i was white-knuckling it the whole time. and i'm pretty sure my broham was more than freeked out. can i just say though that in hind-sight...it was pretty fun! i mean what's the point of going to places you've never been before if you don't take a little risk. my brother may argue this, but i 'm glad we took the back-water route.

after that little adventure, we were bombarded by the excitement that is OHIO. yeah...OHIO...ooh, exciting. yeah we just plowed through that state. nothing to report there.

by the time we got to indiana, we stopped by indianapolis (why do i always end up in indianapolis) and visited the warehouse of this online Doctor Who retailer (yes. i already know. GEEKS! and damn proud). it was so cool. two kids in a candy store, we were. i got some figures, a TARDIS playset, and a remote controlled K-9! and after the crazieness of the last couple of days, i felt justified in treating myself.

so now, we were on the last leg of the trip. just a couple of hours to chicago. but as we learned on this little escapade. nothing ever goes as planned and nothing is ever as easy as it seems. we get slammed by a snow storm. A BAD ONE! total whiteout. i could not see the car in front of me. and i know it was only 5 or 6 feet ahead of us. that SUCKED! so the 3 hour trip from indianapolis ended up taking about 5 hours or so. the storm ended by the time we hit chiago, bu it was still lightly flurrying. so we had to unload the truck in the dark, in the snow, in the cold. hurray.

all in all, it was a fantastic trip. i love road trips. so much fun. anyways, a month has pasted. we're not fully settled in yet. still have lots to do in the apartment. but it's nice having my brother around. i don't worry that he doesn't have a job yet, but it would be nice if he finds one soon. the apartment is gonna look spooktacularly cool once it's all done. so things are starting to look up. this it the year. i can totally feel it. this is the year of change that i was feeling. last year was totally about finding my way back to journey's path. a transitional state. but this is the year of transformation. i can totally feel it. i know it sounds kinda weird and aesoteric and down right cheesy. but i don't care. that's how i feel. and it's been a long while since i've felt this feeling in my gut. and i like it...

the journey continues....

holy crap am i tired...but i get to leave a t 5:00pm today cause i is headin out to NEW YORK tonight. FUCK YEAH! I LOVE NEW YORK. the sad thing is that this will probably be the last time in a long while that i will be back in NY. the day has finally arrived. i can not believe that it was one year ago that my brother and i discussed his leaving NY for good. i thought this day would never come. but since i will longer have free lodgings in NY it will be some before i return.

anyways...why do i alwasy start entries when i'm busy. so ta-ra. off to NY in a few. see y'all in a week.


i'm outta this STINKHAUS!

11:00pm on a friday night... why the FUCK am i still at work! can i just say that i hate my job right now. i have been here til 10:00pm or so all week long. i did not sign up for this. this job is not turning out the way i though it would be. boy was i mislead about the whole damn deal. and on top of the fact that i took a pay cut for this position. i would rant some more but since this is a notable institution, you never know who might be reading this. especially after hearing all those news reports about companies looking up journals, blogs and myspace pages of their employees. ya just never know now a days. but then again that is the risk of posting your thoughts on a public forum. reguardless. I HATE MY JOB! i don't think i will ever be happy working for anybody. i have issues with authority figures. i hate being told what to do. i am just a bitter work horse. i personally don't think i would even be happy if i ever got my so-called "dream job." cause even then it would still be work. GRRRRRRRRRRR-AARRRRRRGHHH!

sorry. it's late. i'm tired. my back hurts from hunching over this fucking computer for over 12 hours. and i need a cigarette... and alchohol. i know. i know. in order to get what you want you have to WORK for it. i get that. if you want your "dream job" you have to work to get it. it's the part in between that i hate. the daily grind crap in order to pay bills and be able to eat. that part sucks! like if i want to be a better illustrator i must WORK for it. that i get. 12 hours days, i don't get. crappy management... i just HATE.

oh and on top of all that i have to come in this weekend to work on a job. how craptastically fantacrapical is that. is this what normies do? is this how the rest of the corporate world or suits and power ties goes about their lives. cause if it is, it sure as fuck ain't for me.

again. i apologize. it's late. me sleepy, sleepy.


all things are transient....

after a year and a half (and that half was spent couch-surfing) i finally have my OWN apartment again. correction, not my own, since i will be sharing it with my brother, but mine none the less. goddess, will it feel good to finally feel settled. to finally come home and not feel like a visitor or guest. to finally be able to relax and not feel the stress of using someone elses home. this will be a great weight off my shoulders.

the apartment is great. it's a 3 bedroom rehab in Albany Park. the living room and dinning room are pretty big. the living room has a little sun-room nook and a faux-fire place. the bedrooms are a little on the small side but who care i'm only gonna be sleeping in there (and entertaining the ladies *wink, wink*) (just kidding) (not actually i'm not) anyways, my broham and i gots big plans for the place. can't wait to see how it all comes out. but it's a great place. it was exactly what i was looking for. not bad since it was the only apartment i looked at.

so things are coming together. i can feel it. new job, new ink, new apartment, my broham moving back to chicago. 3 outta 4 ain't bad. no really, this is the year. i can FEEL it. the year of what...I dunno. but this is it. things can only get better (didn't i say that last new year? anyways...). now all i need is a nice girl to share it all with (and not the kind you have to make a "donation" to). come on, someone throw me a line here. jeezie creezie!

*happy dance*



dorking around in MY new apartment...

well i finally did it. jeezie-creezie! after talking about for more than a decade i finally got my first tattoo. it took me so long cause i never knew what i wanted. i mean it's permanent ya know. and if i'm ganna have something permanent on my body, i want it to mean something to me. goddess bless all those folks with pretty japanese coi fish or dragons or tribal tattoos. they look very cool and pretty. but i wanted my tattoos to mean something to me. cause really they are ment to be my talismans. reminders of who i am, who i want to be, where i'm going and how i need to get there. and on top of all that i didn't want someone elses art on me. shit man. i'm a fuckin artist fer christ sakes. i want to design my own tattoos. not let someone else do it. i'm kinda vain like that.

so i made the appointment back in december (december 20, 2006 to be precise) and the only opening was in february. so after anxiously waiting for the damn month to go by, february 11 finally arrived and i headed on over to Deluxe Tattoo sunday morning. surprisingly i wasn't nervous about it. i thought i would have been since i have a very low tolerance for pain and i FUCKING HATE NEEDLES. it's a personal phobia that i never seemed to get over. but ya know what... it wasn't as bad as i thought it was going to be. i had the work done by the owner Ben Wah. Ben did all of my buddy Jeanna's ink, so i went with someone i trusted. he was super cool and really nice. i totally felt at ease with him. the outlining was the worst part, especially around the wrist. it felt like Salinger scratching me but more intense and for a longer duration. but once he started coloring and shading it was fine. it actually felt rather good. and like i said i hate needles. normally when they draw my blood i have to look away, but i was so enthralled by the process that i couldn't help but look the entire time. even when all that blood started to flow i was still entralled. and Ben always made sure i was doing okay and comfortable. we chatted about art and design, comics, and tattooing in general since i was so facinated about the skill and techniques. Jeanna stopped by as we were getting into it and she kept me company and chatted with Ben as he worked on my ink. the whole process took 1.5 hours. the time actually flew by. i thought for sure i would be needing a break from all the pain (i thought there would be more pain involved but i was wrong) but the whole experience was so cool that i just told him to keep going. so yeah. a great experienc over all. one more thing i can cross off my list. i'm already working on my next piece for my shoulder. i figure by the end of the year i'll have most of my arms covered, goddess willing.

here's a crappy photo of it. i tried taking a picture of it myself but since i ain't no south-paw, i had trouble holding the camera and focusing it. i shoulda had Jeanna take a pic of it. oh well. when it finally heals and i get it touched up i'll take a final picture.



i originally wanted it to fit the whole thing on my forearm but Ben thought it would be too small and he liked how it wraped around my arm. if you go down a couple of entries there's a pic of what the actual art looks like. Ben did i really great job of matching the original. i did have a last minute addition. i told Ben to add a trail of blood down to my wrist. i thought it added a nice affect. i'm really happy how it turned out. i can't wait to get started on the new piece. so yeah, with all the crap that's been going on, it's simple pleaseures like this that keep me goin.

journeys are weird.

this is the first time in 16 years that i had to work on my birthday. what's up with that crap! no really, there was no gettin around it. new job. new rules. i couldn't just flake out like the last job. oh well what can you do. roll with it i reckon. work has been kickin me in the nuts this whole month. but at least the days go by faster, if not easier.

so yeah, 35. i don't feel any different. my physical age my be 35, but my inner child is only 18. and i indulge him quite a bit. i should say 21 cause once in awhile (actually more often than not, as of late) my inner child needs a good stiff drink. and cigarettes. lots of them. yes... i've started smoking again. since november actually. it's surpising how easy it is to slip back into old habits. and i am a creature of habit. i've been finding that out alot lately. so yeah, 3 years of not smoking and it took one weekend to get me back to a pack a day. it seems like i've been surviving on nicotine and tea leaves for the past couple of months.

anyways. it seems like everytime i open up this journal i have alot to say, but by the time i start to write my mind starts racing 500000000 mph that i can't think in a coherent manner to write anything down. there has been so much going on and nothing going on at the same time. i think it's the whole untethered thing again. i just bidding my time til my broham moves back from NY that i can start things up again. that's the only thing i've been looking forward to. bless my dear friend jeanna for letting me room with her, but couch surfing is getting old. i want a solid floor under my feet that i can truly call my own home. it's been 1.5 years since i've had my own place. and i miss it dearly. i want to feel grounded again.

on another note. a rather serious note. Leah and i have started a dialog again. it's been about a year and some change since we broke up. and of course it did not end on a good note. it ended rather badly, due to no small part on my end. i'm starting to realize(well not starting to, i have realized it ,but it's hard to change old habits. it's that habit creature thing again) that i let my obsessions, and pre-concieved notions, and tunnel vision affect my relationships. but i'm still trying to change all that. at least i realize my issues. anyways. we had a couple of decent talks. things are on the right path for a true friendship again. at least that's how i see it. i'm honestly glad she is very happy. things seem to going her way. so yeah. it's a good thing.

anyways. i'm just floating on. that's about it. the last 2 years have been for the most part kinda crappy. there were sparks of joy here and there. and believe me the joys were spectacular. but those things never seem to last. god, who was i reading where they were talking about that life was pain and all you do is try to cling to one happy fleeting moment to the next. maybe it was Schopenhauer. i don't really remember. anywasy, i'm not trying to sound like my life or life in general is a bleak and dismal. it's actually not. but as of right now i'm just floating on. besides all things are transient. and nothing lasts forever.

merrily, merrily, merrily...

happy birthday mom. hope yer doing well...

can i just say (in my personal opinion) that online dating is filled with PSYCHOS and CRAZIES! the point is my friends know who i am. they know what i am like and they know i am a caring and good person. and it sucks when people who don't know you take over caring as a charater flaw. regardless, i wash my hands of the situation. i don't regret much in my life. hell, most of my mistakes made me who i am today. and i'm trying so hard to change the way i look at the world and the people around me. but there are some things i do regret ever doing. somewhere mid-last year i lost my way. but now i am on the right path again. i am now closing the book on the whole matter and looking ahead to progression.

many thanks to all my friends who have been there to support me. i don't know how i would have done it without you all. i love you guys. rock on!

ps - fair warning to all. STAY AWAY FROM PSYCHO PEOPLE! they will only drag you down!

i guess what i'm trying to say is that i had these plans. and i was willing to bend those plans. and now i feel even more unthethered than usual. i don't know exactly what i'm doing right now. so as of right now, i am throwing all plans out the window. i am just going to take everything one day as it rolls and see where it takes me. no more plans, casue plans ALWAYS change and never go as planned. damn you plans! funny thing is that i've been listening to death cab for cuties PLANS a lot lately. haha. funny that. so if i ever end up in LA who knows. i'm not gonna worry about that right now. will i stay with the theater for a full year? we'll see. everything is going well so far. the only definate plan is that i am moving my broham out of NY at the end of february and we are getting place together. so yeah... wonky i say. wonky...

again. deja-vu. seems like only yesterday that i was sitting in front of my brothers laptop in Jacksonville at 12:30 on the morning of christmas typing away about what along strange year it's been... but it wasn't yesterday. it was a whole damn year ago. man shit flies by faster the older you get. sheesch! anyways... where was i...

the new job... very good, it is. BUT, it feels tainted just abit because one of the reasons (if not the biggest) i took the job was because of the girl i was dating this summer. i don't even know where to begin. imagine taking your longest most passionate relationship with all it's highest highs and lowest lows and condense it into 4 months, and that's what i went through this summer. to be brief about all this... if you may or may not know. i am or was or still are planning on moving to LA in summer of 2007. but the new girl freaked out (cause originally she said she would move with me) and decided she didn't want to move. so this opportunity came up to take this new job so i took it thinking i would be with this girl but that weekend before i started the new job she dumps me. and she gave me the whole break-up rigmarole. and to be fair, this girl has some serious relationship issues. i mean she's gone through more shit than anybody i ever knew (except maybe one...). she has serious psychological issues. i will say this though, this summer was ANYTHING but boring. but regardless i mainly took the job because of her. but don't get me wrong. the job is great! i love it, even when i complain about it. but a friend of mine put it best that the job is also a reminder that i'm not with this girl anymore. so yeah, everything i was working on with myself and trying to change who i am, and this whole journey i've been on seems to have come to a halt all of a sudden. well, i shouldn't say that. it just feels like it does. i've been told time and again that taking this new job regardless of the reason was a good thing. a step in the right direction. a new path on the journey. and i believe that. sincerely, i do. but when it's late at night and you are all alone in the dark, it's very hard to convince your mind of this stuff. i kinda strayed off my path and fell into some old habits. so i'm trying to find my way again. but this shit always seems to coincide with the holidays. it it makes the holidays all the more horrible to get through. the last 4 holiday seasons for me have been dreadful. and i'm to blame for some of that. but that doesn't make me feel any better about it.

and on top of it all i haven't been drawing at all. no i take that back. i have been sketching here and there but nothing substantial. i have been doing some photography/photoshop work, but it's only been fun stuff for myself. so i should remedy that. and i will. i just kinda need to regroup right now. but here's a little tid bit: my new tattoo design. my appoinment is in february though. oh well. no rush.




anyways. it's funny but one of the last entries i made before i disappeared stated that i would never be in this situation again. and look where i find myself. heh. funny that. like i said, life is wonky. i can only keep moving forward. and the journey continues...

hello world. it's been a while since we talked. life sure is wonky ain't it. i can't fuckin believe it's the end of the year alredy. it seems like only yesterday that i started on this journey and a whole year has flown by. sheesch! i honestly don't know where to start. first off, the new job rocks. for as much bitchin that i do about it, it's a hell of a lot better than my old dead end job. it may be longer hours and much more work, but i actually look forward to coming in each day. which is a whole hell of alot more than i can say for Crapanen/Burcrap. and granted i work in the administrative office it's still really cool to know that i work for a really great theater. and i gotta say the i have co-workers i can finnaly relate to. ya gotta love creative types. and the view is spectacular. looking over the skyline everyday is just breathtaking. always puts a smile on my face. i don't know why i didn't leave that crap job sooner . . . i take that back. i DO know why. i was scared to leave. it was comfortable and easy. and i knew what i could get away with. but this was the year of change . . . the new journey. so here i am. on a new path. kinda scary but totally worth the risk.

crap. i gotta go . . . but there is much to say . . . much that i have to get off my chest . . . anyways life is wonky.

ya know i told myself when i started this new journal that i would never get lax about it like the previous one . . . my bad. but i will have to say that the last month and a half were a whirlwind of stress, frustration and lots of good times. so chicago shakespeare has ended. all the ads and posters have gone out and all the current productions have already started. so i am pretty much done til december when the new show start up. it's been an experience, to say the least. there were times when i really wanted to crush kasia's skull in. she's a good manager, but she over stresses-out too much. a healthy amount of stress is okay to get a job done, but considering a lot of my turn around time for her was mere hours, i think she could have turned down her stress level a notch and not freaked out so much. it didn't help that she was going through a personal crisis, and my snippiness probably didn't help either. but in the end it was a pretty cool experience and i got a nice chunk of change out of it. though the bad thing is that i kinda let it get in the way of the art. i think i drew 2 sketches in the last month and a half. i suck. but it was like having two jobs at the same time, in my defense (a weak defence though it may be). god, and art night has been slackin as of late, what with it being summer and all, events get in the way. plus . . . and i hate to admit it . . . i wanted to spend time with the new girlfriend . . . i know . . . i know . . . LAME EXCUSE! this always happens. i meet a new gal, and i get all caught up in the whole thing. and i told myself after the last misery, that it would never happen again. but i'm doing it all over again. does it count that i'm noticing it now instead of later when it's too late? but we're always out doing stuff. fun stuf. and i really really like her. and the fact that she lives an hour away and driving to her apartment through traffic is a drain . . . look at this, i'm trying to make excuses. boy do i suck. well i promise to remedy that. art night this wednesday will be uber productive. i swears it.

i know. i know . . .

i've been busy damnit! and not because i have been slacking off with my new gal (though i have been doing that too). chicago shakespeare has been kickin me in the nuts for the past 2 weeks or so. and yes it is still fun, but like any client they want to make these horrible changes that end up throwing off the whole look of the design. but what can you do. they are the client. what makes it worse is that my buddy kasia is basically my boss, and i'm trying to tell her what looks good, and sometimes she just don't listen. and i'm like, you wanted a professional's opinion so why aren't you listening to mine. sheesch! and i know she's got suits hovering over her to get stuff done, so it eventually trickles down to me. and i'm trying so hard not to get pissy with her. hell she got me this gig, and i owe her many drinks for it, but some days i just want to knock her block off! jeezie creezie! working 2 jobs at the same time is killin me. aw fuck it. BRING IT ON DAMNIT! i'm actually having alot of fun with all this. i haven't had this much fun in corporate design world in god knows how long. but boy am i tired. still haven't really touched any artwork in awhile too. i'm so bad. creativity is HARD WORK! though my new gal gave very nice words of encouragement last night about my art and that made me feel good. yay for supportive significant others!

oh well . . . back to work . . .

"We don't believe placing a child with homosexual parents will provide an appropriate environment for foster children."
~ Spence Jackson, Spokesman for Missouri Governor Matt Blunt (R)



sure . . . and all the horror stories about drug abuse, sexual abuse and outright neglect make putting these kids in a HETEROSEXUAL home much better. right . . .

morons!

today is the 1 year anniversay of my mother's death . . .

i cannot believe it has been a year already. it doesn't feel like a year. it still feels fresh, like it just happened yesterday. this past year just flew by in a big crazy blur. i honestly don't know how i got through it. sure everyone knows their parents will eventually pass away, but you never expect it to come so sudden. parents are suppose to grow old and grey, and still nag you about your hair when they are 89. mom would have been 57 this year. i wish i had something more profound to say. but i honestly don't.

i'm doing pretty well though. there was a memorial mass for her this morning. i only went just for dad's sake. he seems to be holding up well today. jeanna came to the mass too. it was nice of her to drive up and attend. i know dad appreciated it.

god, it's so weird to still think about it . . . mom is not here anymore . . . 1 whole year gone by. 2 things kept me sane this whole year (well i know there were more than 2, but these were the 2 that i kept coming back to when i would start to falter), this simple scene from Lord of the Rings:

Pippin: I didn't think it would end this way.

Gandalf: End? No, the journey doesn't end here. Death is just another path, one that we all must take. The grey rain-curtain of this world rolls back, and all turns to silver glass, and then you see it.

Pippin: What? Gandalf? See what?

Gandalf: White shores, and beyond, a far green country under a swift sunrise.

Pippin: Well, that isn't so bad.

Gandalf: No. No, it isn't.

i always i dentified with Pippin. he was a little, annoying, troublemaker. he wasn't a ring-bearer like Frodo, a great wizard like Gandalf, or a leader like Aragorn, but when the time came he sucked it up, looked death in the eye, and rushed forward. and this one scene . . . this little moment of clarity in the midst of chaos, really helped me put things into persective. i'ts a beautiful image, Gandalf paints. i can only hope its true.

the second is Revenge of the Sith. Sith came out exactly one week before my mom passed. and with all the shit going on and with a constant stream of relatives coming in and out of the house, Sith became a haven to run away to, when it just became too much to bear. and after my mom did pass away the fall of Anakin Skywalker resonated even more with me, and i would find my self crying during the final sequences of the film. so i can never watch Revenge of the Sith the same ever again, but i still take great comfort in watching the film.

so yeah . . . one year later . . . maybe now i can really finally put it all behind me. i will never forget, but maybe it's time to finally just put it aside and just let it be.

and the journey continues . . . .

so i went to my bank to try and refinance the car to get a lower rate. they said my cedit score was pretty good, but the bank officer pointed out that my biggest problem was this $10,000 student loan so they couldn't get me a better rate. and my mind starts racing . . . "what student loan. i don't have a student loan. i paid off all my loans years ago." then it hits me like a big fuckin abrams tank. it's the student loan i co-signed for the X! god damnit! i didn't even think about that shit when i co-signed it for her. jeezie creezie! she's outta my life and her past mistakes are still troubling me! it's stupid shit like this that's really grating on my nerves, and just the fact that it was her piece of crap civic that broke down that i had to buy a new car in the first place. argh!

i'm sorry. i just had to rant.



all part of the journey. all part of the journey . . . .

well i settled on the scion xA. it was in my price range, and for what ya pay for, you get some nice bells and whistles. so i drove it home saturday. i like it. nice car. smooth ride. i wish i could be more enthusiastic about it, but i just can't get over the fact that i JUST finished paying off that piece of crap civic, and now i have to make more payments. it sucks, but what are ya gonna do. i need a car to get to work and to eventually get me to LA. so much for being debt free. and on top of that my insurance gets raised. yay me. i guess i should be excited about a new car, but really it just puts me in a slump. bleh.

the piece of crap automobile has decided to make even more weirdo noises. and last evening it decided to aggrevate me by not wanting to shift into 4th gear. so i had to go from 3rd, bypass 4th, and go straight onto 5th. but then when i downshifted from 5 to 4 then it worked. what an amazing automobile i got stuck with.

so . . . i am looking to buy a new car this weekend. yay me (and that definitely wasn't an enthusiastic yay me). so i'm thinking either a toyota yaris or a scion xA. they are basically the same car. both are made by toyota. both use the now defunct toyota echo engine. though the yaris is basically the newly remodeled echo. the scion is a tad more expensive, but when you add all the doo-hickies to the yaris, like air-bags and abs brakes, they come out to the same price, more or or less.

so argh. i was hoping to have all my debt paid off by next year. looks like that ain't gonna happen for a couple of years now. i just keep telling myself . . . "it's all part of the journey. it's all part of the journey . . . ."

 

first off, i finally figured out how to make images into links. yay me. so now i don't have to have big images under an lj-cut anymore. rock! secondly, these 2 pieces are from a couple of years back, but i touched them up a bit recently. no i take that back. the first one i touched up a bit. the second one i radically changed the background casue i felt the original didn't really go with the feel of the first piece. they are for a series i have been working on and off now called coffee stains.

it's a relationship series, about what ifs, chance meetings, missed opportunities type of stuff. it's kinda like emo, but with visual art. these are the only 2 finished pieces. i've got a ton of sketches, i just never get around to finishing them. someday . . .


ADDENDUM:
funny thing is i don't drink coffee anymore. i'm a tea person now, or hot cocoa. maybe i should change the title to camomile stains, or rose-hips stains. oh well . . .